Friday

Depression

I suffer from depression. And when I saw that, I mean that I regularly suffer from agonizing physical and emotional symptoms . And I've spent the majority of February in the midst of one of the more brutal bouts of depression I've ever experienced. There were a few days where I was unable to do much of anything besides boil water, and not go back to bed, because I was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness. That I was a middle aged failure who is alone and will always be alone and that there's no reason to continue living.

This reinforced itself because I don't have anyone I could turn to who would lend a hand. And thus helping my sense of worthlessness. There is something about being alone which can be difficult. And of course being alone and depressed makes it difficult to go out and meet people which just means you're alone and so that.... It's a reinforcing loop.

And so I remain alone. I don't really see that changing any time soon, to be honest. But I have managed to get out of the brutal black pit of my depression. That's not to say that I'm a happy person. Though I have smiled this week.  That's a start.

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